danatheb (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} danatheb) wrote,@ 2008-03-15 10:10:00 |
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notes from my 7 week gym tenure.
1.) The wackier the person is dressed, the more likely it will be that they sing aloud to themselves. (This morning's example: flowered slip over a bra, belting out some nutbag ditty)
2.) The longer it takes someone to choose a machine and set themselves up on the chosen machine is reversely proportionate for the amount of time they spend on said machine.
2a) The more stuff they tote along with them, the quicker the workout.
3.) It's never ok to be all HELLO? HELLO? OH NOTHING I'M AT THE GYM NO, SERIOUSLY! I KNOW RIGHT? I'M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE TREADMILL! HAA HAAA ISN'T THAT A RIOT?
4.) If a person has a hand deformity (let's say they only have a stumpy thumb and a abbreviated pinky finger) and they hop onto the machine next to me, it is a fact that they'll know half the people at the gym on a Saturday morning at 7:30, and will wave VIGOROUSLY at them. Using the claw hand. Which is hard not to stare at, I'm only human.
5.) If an older woman (you choose your own definition of older, to some of you I'm an older woman) spends more than 2 minutues huffing and flouncing because she wants the machine you, or the person next to you is on, and she finally gets the machine, and she SEES that you've already cleaned it off with the cleaner and the towels and whatnot, and she RE-cleans it, you are 100 percent in for a treat because this lady is going to be nuts times OCD and she's going to turn to you after she mutters to herself ominously for a couple minutes, and shout "AM I RIGHT???" You will wish for the claw hand's gentle distraction. It's never right to engage.
6.) There's ALWAYS some leathery tan superfit 65 year old powerwalking her balls off on a treadmill and making a huge show of it, She always AND I MEAN ALWAYS has frosty blonde hair, and believes that she looks 35. She also wears jazzercisey/let's get physical outfits. She stomps so agressively as she walks, people around her abandon their machines because she's extremely distracting and not a just little bit scary.
7.) Teenage girls who come after school with those sweatsuits that say shit across the ass (note: it would be sort of awesome if they really DID say the word SHIT across the ass) are not there to work out, they are there to walk slowly in front of the old guys (again, you choose your definition of old guy) and bend over. Also, to look at the pimply boys their own age and giggle.
8.) Old guys (and I do really mean OLD guys, like 70+) who work out in the morning often bring coffee, and bullshit the entire time AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS to the person next to them, about the most mundane shit you could even cook up.
9.) If you bring two newspapers, a hardcover book AND A MIMEOGRAPHED PAMPHLET, splattered in blood called "Advanced Home Wound Care", you maybe should consider going to a library or staying the hell home. You shouldn't be THAT bored, and if you have a wound that requires care, you maybe want to keep your wound in a more sanitary place than the sweaty gym.
10.) Oohh, your friend is here! That's awesome! I'm sorry there isn't a free machine for her to use right next to you, so you can comfortably gossip about Mrs So and So, but the appropriate place for her to stand is NOT LEANING ON THE MACHINE I'M USING, and certainly not for more than 30 seconds. Also, why aren't you at work?
11.) There is no need to begin the treadmill with your legs on the sides, it's not going to do anything surprising, they start slowly. You'll be ok, I promise.
12.) I appreciate the fact that there are TVs for people to view, but why, out of 10 TVs are 4 of them CNN, 5 sports, and one a cartoon?
1.) The wackier the person is dressed, the more likely it will be that they sing aloud to themselves. (This morning's example: flowered slip over a bra, belting out some nutbag ditty)
2.) The longer it takes someone to choose a machine and set themselves up on the chosen machine is reversely proportionate for the amount of time they spend on said machine.
2a) The more stuff they tote along with them, the quicker the workout.
3.) It's never ok to be all HELLO? HELLO? OH NOTHING I'M AT THE GYM NO, SERIOUSLY! I KNOW RIGHT? I'M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE TREADMILL! HAA HAAA ISN'T THAT A RIOT?
4.) If a person has a hand deformity (let's say they only have a stumpy thumb and a abbreviated pinky finger) and they hop onto the machine next to me, it is a fact that they'll know half the people at the gym on a Saturday morning at 7:30, and will wave VIGOROUSLY at them. Using the claw hand. Which is hard not to stare at, I'm only human.
5.) If an older woman (you choose your own definition of older, to some of you I'm an older woman) spends more than 2 minutues huffing and flouncing because she wants the machine you, or the person next to you is on, and she finally gets the machine, and she SEES that you've already cleaned it off with the cleaner and the towels and whatnot, and she RE-cleans it, you are 100 percent in for a treat because this lady is going to be nuts times OCD and she's going to turn to you after she mutters to herself ominously for a couple minutes, and shout "AM I RIGHT???" You will wish for the claw hand's gentle distraction. It's never right to engage.
6.) There's ALWAYS some leathery tan superfit 65 year old powerwalking her balls off on a treadmill and making a huge show of it, She always AND I MEAN ALWAYS has frosty blonde hair, and believes that she looks 35. She also wears jazzercisey/let's get physical outfits. She stomps so agressively as she walks, people around her abandon their machines because she's extremely distracting and not a just little bit scary.
7.) Teenage girls who come after school with those sweatsuits that say shit across the ass (note: it would be sort of awesome if they really DID say the word SHIT across the ass) are not there to work out, they are there to walk slowly in front of the old guys (again, you choose your definition of old guy) and bend over. Also, to look at the pimply boys their own age and giggle.
8.) Old guys (and I do really mean OLD guys, like 70+) who work out in the morning often bring coffee, and bullshit the entire time AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS to the person next to them, about the most mundane shit you could even cook up.
9.) If you bring two newspapers, a hardcover book AND A MIMEOGRAPHED PAMPHLET, splattered in blood called "Advanced Home Wound Care", you maybe should consider going to a library or staying the hell home. You shouldn't be THAT bored, and if you have a wound that requires care, you maybe want to keep your wound in a more sanitary place than the sweaty gym.
10.) Oohh, your friend is here! That's awesome! I'm sorry there isn't a free machine for her to use right next to you, so you can comfortably gossip about Mrs So and So, but the appropriate place for her to stand is NOT LEANING ON THE MACHINE I'M USING, and certainly not for more than 30 seconds. Also, why aren't you at work?
11.) There is no need to begin the treadmill with your legs on the sides, it's not going to do anything surprising, they start slowly. You'll be ok, I promise.
12.) I appreciate the fact that there are TVs for people to view, but why, out of 10 TVs are 4 of them CNN, 5 sports, and one a cartoon?
